If you are thinking that my getting to Arkansas was my biggest challenge and that everything has fallen into place, you would be mistaken. The challenges continue to roll in, one right after the other. It feels as though my head is being pushed under water and I pop up to get a breath of fresh air; but I immediately get plunged back under again.
I have a friend who says she could never do what I have done. Not many people my age (68) I suppose, up and relocate to a place they have never been. When I left Colorado in 1999, I was 47. Friends at that time told me I was “brave’, but it has nothing to do with bravery. I am like a gypsy moving from place to place – endlessly. I have started over more times than I can count, which makes no sense because I am a home-body. I want nothing more than to be like a tree, to anchor myself to one spot and stay there. I have wanted to plant trees and flowers and asparagus, to be there year after year to watch them grow. Mother/Father/God has had other plans for me. It is “thy will – not my will.” Some days I feel as though I am truly done. I just cannot deal with one more thing. These experiences have brought me wisdom, but that wisdom has come at a high price. That wisdom has come out of spending so many years alone, even when I would have gladly welcomed companionship.
I cannot help wondering if life may get a little easier in those years that lie in front of me. It might be one year, or five years, or possibly, but not likely, another fifteen years before I complete this current incarnation. Even if my own life looks a little brighter in the future, I am living on a planet with a future that looks quite dim. For this reason I do not live for a future that has not arrived. I know that yesterday is gone. I am here NOW. At this moment, as I am writing this, with my cat resting peacefully against my legs, all is well.
